Me. At least after what I've been through.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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