I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
