Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
