Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
