my vag is so smooth its legendary
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
