so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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