I'm lost and stupid without you.
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
