nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
