I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
