forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
