Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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