i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
