I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
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