zippers are such a cool invention
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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