I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
So many bounce houses so little time
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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