i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
