2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
