girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
