I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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