Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
