She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
