my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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