my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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