Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
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Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?