Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.