then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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