piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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