my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
