woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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