i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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