I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
