I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
