My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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