Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize