Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
