We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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