You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
