Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
