I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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