I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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