plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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