a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Holy sore nipples Batman
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
