Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
