Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
