spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
