She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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