Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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