Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
