I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
