I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
