i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
