We won't sleep together?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
