I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
