I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize