Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
