Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
